The Full Coward Package

THE PROSPECT OF fl VflSECTOMV TERRIFIES MOST MEN. HERE'S HOUJ TO SURVIVE IT WITH VOUR MflNHOOD (MOSTLV) INTflCT

R

ecently I went shopping for two items:

A jockstrap

A hag of frozen peas

These items may seem unrelated to you. But certain men, upon reading that list, will wince when they recognize these as the items you need when you get a...VASECTOMY.

The frozen peas are to minimize the swelling in your personal manliness zone. The jockstrap is to keep you from dangling. After a vasectomy— trust me—you do not want to dangle.

Not to sound hoastful, hut I went with a size large jockstrap. It brought back vivid memo­ries of gym class at Pleasantville High School, where we male students were required to wear jockstraps so that our larger classmates could

use us as human slingshots by grabbing our elastic strap from behind, pulling it back several feet and releasing it to cause the Twang of Pain.

Shopping for peas was trickier, because the supermarket had such a large selection.

"These are good." said my wife, holding a bag of Green Giant Valley Fresh Steamers Sweet Peas, a premium brand.

"I'm not going to eat them." 1 said. "I'm going to put them on my b***s."'

In the end I went with the Birds Eye Sweet Garden Peas. I recommend them, if you're a man who is getting a vasectomy. But before you take this major step, you should get answers to

1 Balls

some important medical questions, starl­ing with: Are you insane?

No, really, you should have some infor­mation, such as: What, exactly, happens to you during a vaseclomy? I can answer this question, thanks to a helpful pamphlet I got from my urologist, tilled "Vasectomy: Permanent Birth Control for Men," which I read as carefully as I could considering I had my eyes closed.

Based on this research, I would say that the best way to understand a vasectomy is to compare human reproduction to the New York City transit system, with Manhattan as the penis. In normal reproduction, the sperm cells originate in the testicles, repre­sented by Brooklyn and Queens, then pro­ceed via the vas deferens, represented by the Brooklyn Bridge and Queens-Midlown Tunnel, to Manhattan, where they join up with the seminal fluid, manufactured by the seminal vesicles and the prostate gland, represented by Staten Island. The sperm cells then travel through a long tube called the urethra, represented by the IRT Broadway local line, exiting Manhattan at the tip and being deposited in the female vagina, represented by Van Cortlandt Park in the Bronx.

In a vasectomy, the doctor severs the conduits from Brooklyn and Queens, leaving the sperm cells trapped in the outer boroughs, where they eventually die because there are no decent nightclubs. Vasectomy is a safe, effective and reliable procedure, and there is absolutely no rea­son to be afraid of it, except that THEY CUT A HOI.K IN YOUR SCROTUM.

Medically, this is no big deal. Its an outpatient procedure. W hen its done, you simply get up and walk out. Recov­ery takes just a couple of days. Most men experience only minor discomfort. Never­theless, if you're a man considering taking this step, you need to reflect upon the fact that if you get a vasectomy, they are going

to cut a hole IN YOUR SCROTUM.

I can hear you women readers going, "You think thafs bad? A little hole? Until you've had a baby you have NO IDKA what it means to experience discomfort in the privates.'

Okay, on behalf of men. I will stipulate to you women that childbirth is not only very painful but also a clear violation of the laws of physics. But you have to understand that we men have a very special relationship with our testicles. They are the most sensi­tive and vulnerable organs we have, and we are very protective of them because of the various times when we took a hard shot to the cubits and spent several excruciating minutes writhing on the ground, curled up like jumbo shrimp, wishing that a medical caregiver would come along and shoot us in the head.

If you've ever watched a soccer match. you've probably noticed that, during a free

kick, the defenders—who stand only 10 yards away from the guy who's about to kick the ball really hard—use both of their hands to protect their groins. They do not spare so much as a single hand to protect their heads. These men are clearly saying that, if forced to decide which is their most vital organ, they are not choosing their brains.

So with all due respect to women: You cannot really appreciate the electric shock of fear that shoots through a man when he contemplates the prospect of allowing some-

body to take a sharp implement and CUT A FREAKING HOLE IN. HIS. SCROTUM.

Nevertheless, a lot of guys get it done, be­cause they have reached a stage in their lives when they have the wisdom, the maturity and the perspective necessary to understand that if they do not get a vaseclomy. their wives will never ever stop bringing it up. You may be one of these guys. To determine if you're a vasectomy candidate, ask yourself:

Do you wish to be rendered perma­

nently incapable of fathering children?

Would you enjoy spending several

days watching TV with a bag of frozen

peas on your crotch?

If you answered yes to both questions, you should make an appointment to see a

urologist. What you should NOT do—this is very important—is go on the Internet and read the vasectomy message boards, because you will see anecdotes like this: One of my co-workers got a vasectomy and his sperm backed up and. long story short, two weeks later his scrotum explod­ed during his performance review.

And: My brother-in-law was get­ting a vasectomy and right after the doctor made the incision there was an earthquake and the operating table shook so hard that both his testicles fell out and rolled across the floor and into the waiting room, where a blind patient was waiting with his seeing-

eye dog, which

Pay no attention to these hearsay anec­dotes. Your vasectomy will be a walk in the park, although for a day or two it will be the walk of the late Walter Brennan as Grand-pappy Amos McCoy. But the procedure it­self will be nothing, especially if you do it the way 1 did it. namely, unconscious.

I'm a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical proce­dure, including routine physicals. I'd like to be knocked out while I'm still in the doctor's waiting room and not regain con­sciousness until everything is over, ideally in my car, with no memory whatsoever of what happened.

I'd also like to see anesthesia used in nonmedical settings. Like, if for some reason you had to attend the opera, there would be an anesthesiologist in the lobby, next to the candy stand. He'd knock you out and special brawny ushers would drag you to your seat and leave you there, drooling into your lap. until it was over. I think there should also be anesthesiologists on hand for meetings, ballet recitals, banquets, charity galas and movies based on books that my wife likes (fatal diseases, no punching).

But the point is that you definitely want anesthesia for your vasectomy. Tell your doctor you want the Full Coward Pack­age. Tell him you don't necessarily want to wake up in the same month as your pro­cedure. That's what I did. I was totally out for the whole thing, and it worked out fine, aside from the video that later appeared on YouTube featuring a close-up of my pri­vates dressed up in a tiny Klvis outfit.

I'm kidding, of course! It was a large Elvis outfit.

No, seriously: Nothing happened. I went home with my jockstrap and my peas, and in a few days I was able to resume my regular exercise regimen of mostly sitting around. So if you've been thinking about getting a vasectomy, my sincere advice to you is: Do not read this essay. You're welcome.

If you're

A MAN

CONSIDERING THIS

STEP, VOU NEED TO

REFLECT UPON

that they are going to

CUT fl HOLE IN VOUR SCROTUM.

From I'll Mature When I'm Dead by Dave Barry, to be published by G.P. Putnam's Sons in May.